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Exclusive News Story
By Garnet R. Chaney , Staff Correspondent
Abu Garib Bureau
Wednesday, July 8 2004
Attempt to export breeding pair of Iraqi guard spiders fails due to hunger of one of the specimens.
Falujah, IRAQ (HNN) - Coalition troops today were disappointed in the failure of their attempt to show gratitude to film producer Michael Moore, for his recent film Fahrenheit 9/11, when this seemingly tame pair of Iraqi animals decided to start eating each other. Troops felt that a prime breeding pair of common Iraqi guard animals would help Mr. Moore in his future film exploits.
"We're hoping that once Mr. Moore gets acquainted with these animals, he'll understand why it has been so difficult to find the WMD," said an officer off the record. Commonly used to guard caches of weapons of mass destruction, these aptly named "Camel Spiders" can also be used as beasts of burden. A team of three can be harnessed to haul the typical backpack gear carried by a soldier. Currently the animal rights group PETA is petitioning the government to prevent the soldiers from taking unfair advantage of these indigenous species, and the Pentagon has promised a full review of their policy towards the arachnids.
"After seeing his movie, we worked to think of an appropriate gift for Mr. Moore", said another officer. "We thought of sending Mr. Moore a pot bellied pig, because owners and their animals look alike, but judging by Mr. Moore's size, we were afraid that the pig might not survive very long in his care. So we decided to send a pair of animals better able to defend themselves against ending up on Mr. Moore's dinner plate." Troops began searching through a number of prime specimens to find a special pair of animals worthy of their gratitude for Mr. Moore.
"We'd taught this pair to do tricks like hiding in shadows, things useful in Mr. Moore's films, and we thought we'd really tamed them. We were shocked when they turned on each other with no warning," said Corporal Lance Jefferson, a reserve soldier who runs a dog training service in Flint Michigan. He added, "I'm hoping Michael Moore can help me make a documentary of how these can be used by the Secret Service to guard important foreign ambassadors, and maybe also big corporate executives. I am really looking forward to hiring people in Flint to help me train these fantastic animals. I think Mr. Moore will be happy to see the people of our home town have an opportunity other than the military."
Several soldiers remarked about the impressive strength and speed of these Iraqi animals.
"Once we used a team of 10 to pull a jeep out of a ditch," said Staff Sargeant Billy Moore, who was quick to point out that he was not related to the film producer. The soldier added, "Two of them should easily be able to pull Mr. Moore around town on a sled."
Troops promised to find find another healthy pair to send to Mr. Moore. Despite these creatures apparent enjoyment of close body contact, the soldiers said they'd keep the new pair separated during shipment so that they will have plenty of pent up energy by the time they arrive at Moore's doorstep.
This is the description that originally came with this picture:
"They run 10 mph, jump three feet, are a nocturnal spider, so only come out at night unless they are in shade. When they bite you, you are injected with Novocain so you go numb instantly. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with part of your leg or arm missing because it has been gnawing on it all night long. If you are walking around and you bump something that is casting a shadow over it, and the sun makes contact with it, you better run. It will instantly run for your shadow, and scream the whole time it is chasing you."
Another common description accompanying the picture:
"There are 2 spiders in this picture. The spider on the bottom is eating the spider on the top. They can run 10 mph, jump three feet, are a nocturnal spider, so they only come out at night unless they are in shade. If you are walking around in the sun and find one exposed - RUN - It will instantly run for your shadow for protection. People often claim they chase and attack people when all they actually want, is just a bit of shade. Poison not deadly however if bitten they inject a Novocaine type venom so you go numb instantly where bitten. You don't even know you are bitten when you are sleeping, so you wake up with parts nibbled right off..."
Rather obviously a lot of exageration here.
This is a great example trick photography and perspective... It's been cropped down to make you think it's as big as the leg of the man in the background. In fact, look at the upper right, the wrist cuff, and also too many legs... Appears like maybe one spider biting another spider, each really maybe hand sized. Probably about the same size as the tarantulas on Mt. Diablo in our desert.
Actually this creature is known as a solfugid, or more commonly, a camel spider. They are quick, bad tempered, have a voracious appetite and have a nasty bite. But they dont have venom, and they dont spin webs. Anything else about them sucking innards out or people waking up without any of their digits is purely a myth. There is a picture doing the rounds showing two of the beasties with US desert uniforms in the background. Althought they can grow quite large, this picture makes them look larger than they actually are.
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See more Cool stuff about insects
Bill Nye the Science Guy: Reptiles & Insects
Insect Biochemistry & Molecular Biology [MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION]
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